Mick Hartley makes fun of some comments by The Times’ art critic relating to the new KING KONG film. Actually, the comments induce hilarity without his need to do much other than reproduce them. Read his post here.

The drift of that critic’s remarks couldn’t help but put me in mind of my own pet theory about KING KONG.

Firstly, I would never consider going to see this remake. Why would I deliberately go and spend money to see a film that I know is going to leave me emotionally devastated and weeping inconsolably? I can stand to see any number of human beings get killed or tortured on-screen—but great, big, lovable and misunderstood Kong? My memories of seeing the original and even the 1970s remake are bad enough. I’ve been getting teary-eyed just seeing the commercials for the new one on TV. It’s unbearable. We all know how it ends. It must surely be one of the very few “blockbusters” of history with an irredeemably heartbreaking finish. I mean, just no relief at all.

Anyhow, people have been speculating recently in some quarters about the film’s “racist” undertones. On that, I have nothing to say. My theory, instead, is that the secret design of KING KONG is to turn impressionable children into communists; or at least into fervent America-hating dupes.

Think about it: the great, big, lovable and misunderstood Kong is captured, humiliated, and dragged by force back to the United States of America, just so some people can make money off of him. This is an indictment of American-style capitalism at a visceral level. Next, after he escapes, the American governmental authorities riddle him with bullets and send him plummeting to Fifth Avenue (or 34th St.?); the great, big, lovable and misunderstood Kong is murdered in a shoot-first-ask-questions-never manner by the vicious U.S. military.

Effective? Hey, I was a liberal into my mid-twenties. And if that doesn’t convince you, consult the Times’ art critic. She’s about ready to take up arms against Uncle Sam based on the killing of the computer-generated Kong, and she’s an adult.

Which brings me to another reason I wouldn’t go see the KING KONG remake. What if it changed me back??

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