Breaking news from the Free Associative Press:

KABUL March 25, 2006 (FAP) – In a turn of events that some observers are describing as “unexpected,” Afghan President Hamid Karzai today claimed resolution of what had seemed a dangerous and developing crisis concerning the fate of Abdul Rahman, a former Muslim who had been set to stand trial on the potentially capital charge of converting to Christianity.

“Today,” announced Karzai, “I have declared that Afghanistan is now officially a Christian country. Therefore, it can be clear that there is no more problem for Mr. Rahman. ”

Specifically, Karzai is declaring the state religion to be that of the United Methodist denomination of Protestantism.

“I heard about it from my good friend President Bush,” he told the FAP. He went on to assure Muslims that their faith would be tolerated under the new system.

Reaction from Islamic clerics in this deeply conservative, formerly Muslim country, was mixed. Sitting in a courtyard outside the Herati Mosque, moderate Afghan cleric Abdul Raoulf said, “After cutting off Rahman’s head, we will use it to bludgeon Karzai into an oozing mess. Then we shall call on all the people to write letters to the Council of Bishops of the United Methodist Church, and truthfully they will not desist from this letter writing until Afghanistan has been officially ejected from this abominable denomination.”

But Said Mirhossain Nasri, the top cleric at Hossainia Mosque, one of the largest Shiite places of worship in Kabul, said this would not work quickly enough to allay the humiliation of Karzai’s action.

“Tomorrow I depart with thousands of good Muslims, and we will go by land, sea and air to the address of these Councils of Methodists at 100 Maryland Ave., NE, Suite 320, Washington, DC 20002, and we will demand that they embrace Allah and Mohammed as his prophet. If they do not,” he continued, “we will take seriously the possibility of a schism with the American church.”

Experts say that while Afghanistan’s adoption of United Methodism seems to solve the immediate problem of Abdul Rahman’s legal status, it may well pose problems for the future.

“You just don’t turn a Muslim nation into a Christian one overnight,” said one. “At least, I’m pretty sure it hasn’t happened till now.”

For his part, President Karzai acknowledged some potential difficulties in implementing the new state religion.

“I have heard that they oppose capital punishment. This will take some getting used to for our people. Their aggressive stance in favor of gun control will also require great sacrifices.”

“On the other hand,” he continued to the FAP reporter, “I am very excited by our new Church’s ideas on sustainable agriculture, food safety and collective bargaining.”

The Afghan president then excused himself, indicating he hoped to be more expansive at a press conference next week, but for now he needed to study in order to be able to teach a class he would soon be offering on making hymns inclusive.

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